BiPolar Tea Party, Baby!

When the Tea Party first started whistling from the pot, I didn't have much of an understanding of this rebellion. Colonial pirates who loved tea so much they wore it on their heads, okay by me. I've certainly seen weirder. I mean, they must at least be more relatable than Scientologists, right? 

I remember hearing that first interview with a real live Tea Partier. Right here!! In Racine!! It was on WRJN so it had to be real. I listened as I flossed my teeth and moisturized my face, and I listened intently. Finally, all my questions would be answered!!

The man was very blunt and there was no misunderstanding: the Tea Party couldn't care less about social issues. It's all about the money. The Debt. The fiscal responsibility of the government. Okay. Fine with me.  Let's get rid of those $40,000 government hammers and trillion dollar wars!!

But suddenly, it became more than just the buckaroos. Soon enough I was hearing that they insisted on less government. Government = bad. Taxpayers = mad. There should be no regulation; no EPA, FHA, FDA or DNA. Wait, scratch that last one. Even they can't take that one away. So I will keep my chromosomes, thank you very much. 

Bacteria in the drinking water? Who cares! Regulations keep the happy friendly businesses from dumping waste into the water supply. Deregulate! How many bagillion gallons of oil burst into the Gulf like Charlie's Torpedo of Death? It matters not. Drill baby drill, dontcha know! Gun control – I think not – we should all be packin' heat! No smoking in public restaurants? How dare they take away our right to cancer?! The nerve. No, the Tea Party does not like to follow rules. And they sure do not like the one's making said rules. Well, I mean, unless those rule makers are part of their party. 

The following are proposed legislation brought on by newly elected candidates who grabbed hold of the Tea Party's momentum like it was a dollar bill flying in the wind:

Utah

• Make it law that gold and silver are to be used as legal tender

Georgia

• Abortion would be considered and tried as murder
• All miscarriages would be investigated (cause the parents aren't going through enough)
• Abolish Drivers License (aren't these the same people who beg for voter ID?)

South Dakota 

• It would be considered JUSTIFIABLE homicide if one were to kill a person if it stops an abortion (also in Nebraska)
• Law requiring all adults to buy a gun

Alaska

• Law making it illegal to have sex before marriage

Indiana

• Making English the only legal language

Iowa

• Law making it LEGAL for business owners to refuse to sell or serve to gay married people

Arizona

• Birther bill (since vetoed, but still)

New Hampshire

• Create militias to protect state borders from Canada

Montana

• Force people to go through 6 weeks of counseling before divorce would be allowed 
• Create an 11-person commission which would have the power to veto any federal law
• Make it legal to hunt with a spear 
• Make it legal to hunt with a silencer
• Declare Global Warming as beneficial

Sure, deregulate the drinking water, but feel free to stamp mandates all over my uterus. Slap a gun in my holster so I can shoot my foot off. And gimme my spear and loin cloth. I'm huntin' me some squirrel!!