American Horror Story Blog: 'Dead' is a Relative Term

Hello, AHS fans!

First impressions: if Constance wasn't crazy before, she certainly will be now; I'm very afraid for Violet; Moira is tethered to this life; and when it comes to mistresses, "dead" is a relative term.

We open in 2010 to some fancy pumpkin carving for Halloween with the gay couple, Chad and Patrick; one half of whom is the scary dude from Heroes (Chad). The couple is having a bitchy quarrel about who is screwing whom and likes what and not caring about Halloween, but getting a costume and carving pumpkins is manning up.

If this weren't AHS, it would be pretty dang funny. Actually, it is funny, but in a dark, thoroughly, we-know-they're-gonna-die-grisly-deaths kind of way.

SNAP! Is that Rubber Man? Does his/its kink play for both teams? Nope - looks like Rubber Man is mad considering how he's knocking Chad around the kitchen. And drowning him in the apple bucket. Cowboy-costumed Patrick walks in and ... cut to opening credits.

ARG!

Harmons are mad that the house has only one showing in two weeks so the realtor suggests a "fluffer." Get your mind out of the gutter! Sheesh. That's real estate talk for "stylist." But in any case, the house has an image problem so Marcy, the realtor, suggests a Happy Halloween decorating theme to combat the kids who throw eggs (were those the twins?!).

Crazy Connie's boy toy, Travis, is reading to Addie and eating chocolate chips. Constance is not happy and Travis goes off to buy more chocolate chips. Crazy Connie accuses Addie of trying to get in Travis' pants, and really tells her to get rid of those kinds of notions with an implied "or else."

Now Larry Half-face is ringing Ben's doorbell and no surprise that Ben is unhappy that Larry has come to collect his $1,000. They have a disagreement about the money, but Ben uses a patient as an excuse to get away.

And who is the patient? None other than Tate who tells Ben he never went to see the other doctor because he only wants Ben to treat him. Oh, Ben. If you only knew. Ben does want to know why Tate was in the house the night of the attack and Tate goes through this story of throwing pebbles at Violet's window, going inside through an unlocked door, etc.

Tate cries, saying he needs Ben to treat him so Ben agrees to meet Tate at a coffeeshop.

Now, Morris Chestnut as a cop or security expert is in the kitchen explaining a complicated, multi-piece alarm system to Vivien. 'Cuz, as we all know, that will come in so handy in this house. Not.

Cut to Moira carving a number of pumpkins in the diningroom. She requests Halloween off to visit her mother. Vivien admires her work and Moira answers that she "enjoys crafts." Viv takes one of the pumpkins to put on the porch and the gay couple - Chad and Patrick - are outside saying the white roses are an eyesore.

They shake hands with Viv when she mistakes them for Marcy's fluffers. How do ghosts shake hands? Unlike the ghost of one of the original owners (remember she of the split open head?), these guys don't seem to have a scratch on them from their deaths in 2010 at the alleged hands of Rubber Man. They go to the kitchen to carve pumpkins with Ben and Viv, and Chad starts getting bitchy about Patrick's trolling bars for "twinks with six-pack abs."

What else can they do to make the house sell faster, Vivien wants to know. Well, Chad tells her with a knowing looking at Ben, tear down the gazebo because the lattice is all wrong. Ben visibly blanches and admits he put it up himself.

Chad says they'll get through Halloween and then tear down the gazebo and put in an organic cutting garden. Cue Ben cutting his finger pretty good and Patrick offers to stitch it up because, as Chad informs everyone, Patrick is an EMT.

"Oh, I thought you were a fluffer," Vivien says. The boys laugh.

Chad makes more bitchy remarks about Viv's hair color (can barely see any root). Upstairs, Patrick sews up Ben's finger and then actually offers to get on his knees and do some naughty stuff to Ben. He tells Ben he wasn't gay until he got his first blowjob. What?!

I have to say that I am completely creeped out. Zachary Quinto, the scary guy from Heroes is a good actor. Scary good, which, I suppose, was kind of the point of casting him for this show. Sorry. Back to the episode.

Ben completely rebuffs Patrick and the ghost apologizes, asks Ben to not tell Chad because they're "not doing well." Ya think?! Meanwhile, Chad and Viv are having a heart-to-heart about how Chad discovered Patrick's infidelity (look through the cell phone bill because you can erase the texts, but not that they were sent).

Now we're in Violet's room and Addie scares the crap out of Violet, tells Violet that she wants to be a pretty girl for Halloween, like Violet. So Violet starts putting makeup on Addie and they talk viriginity (yes for Violet, "hell no" for Addie). After Addie goes home, Crazy Connie screams at Addie that she will wash that smut off her face, that Addie is not a pretty girl and never will be. Mother of the Year award for that one.

Now Violet is in the basement and Rubber Man jumps her but ... it's Tate! Laughing even as Violet calls him an @sshole. But that doesn't stop her from kissing him.

Ew.

Tate lights candles and tells Violet the story of Dr. Charles Montgomery, original owner of the house, former doctor to the stars and abortionist. Apparently the boyfriend of a girl who was "in trouble" kidnapped the Montgomery baby and dismembered it. Montgomery played Dr. Frankenstein with the baby, and Tate tells Violet the doctor's experiment worked and the baby remains in the basement to this day.

Well. Let's just say that Tate is telling the truth (and I believe he is), that would explain the bald, clown thingy that killed the twins and scraped up Mean Girl's face, right? Gives me the shivers, but I think I'm right.

Tate and Ben meet at a park near a coffee cart and talk about Violet as a child as they watch little kids in costume running around with their parents. We learn Ben was a troubled kid on whom the adults in his life gave up. Tate ends up counseling Ben. Not. Good. Ben is losing it.

Addie tells Crazy Connie she's too old to trick-or-treat, but Mommie Dearest brings her a mask of a "pretty girl" complete with make up and long hair. They go look in Constance's closet for something that will fit Addie, maybe some maternity wear.

Oh, no! Viv is calling Ben out about Peyton! Apparently her investigation through the cell phone bills reveals Peyton's number "at least 20 times," but Ben assures her that Peyton will not be calling again. Not even to return Vivien's message.

"Peyton is over," Ben says. Oh, Vivien. If you only knew. So of course Viv's phone rings and it's Peyton. (Or is it Hayden? I can't tell.)

Chad and Patrick have full-on Halloween'd the foyer and are giving Viv and Ben the what-for because they look like they got their costumes from Rite Aid. And now ... Chad is really freaking out because there are gala apples in the dunk barrel and why didn't they go to Valencia to buy granny smith from Pedro, where is the effort?! Vivien says he's going overboard, this is their house.

"This is not. Your. House." Chad spits. "You know it, and the house knows it."

Vivien and Ben yell for them to get out and when they refuse, Viv loses it completely and destroys all the decorations. Chad sees Rubber Man just as Patrick is pulling him away.

"Are you okay?" Ben asks Viv.

No, Ben. She is pretty far from okay. She doesn't believe you and now she wants you to leave except ... now the baby is kicking, but it's only eight weeks old. Ben takes Viv to the hospital, leaving Violet at home. Alone.

A bunch of slutty teenage girls come to Violet's door to trick-or-treat as Addie is ringing the doorbell. Of course they make fun of her, but she wants to be BFFs with them so of course she runs after them and ... gets hit by a car?! What. The. Hell?!

Ben and Viv are at the hospital getting an ultrasound that makes the tech faint. That can't be good. Which, of course, proves nothing, but does point to a stronger case for Rubber Man being the Baby Daddy.

Back to Addie in the street. Crazy Connie is going, well, crazy, dragging Addie out of the street and toward the Harmon's house, saying there isn't much time, but if she just gets her there, it will be alright. The EMTs just watch ... dumbfounded, but it's too late for Addie. Connie screams into the night, crying over her daughter.

Moira really does go to visit her mother. I wasn't expecting this. She cries, telling her mother (?) that she wasn't there for her. Oh, Moira, what's with the shifty looks? You disconnected the breathing tube/respirator! The machine next to the bed registers the death, and Moira's mom appears behind her, asking her to come with her.

"I can't, Mother," Moira cries. "I want to, but I can't."

Oh, crap. Back at the house, Larry Half-face is pounding on the door, yelling for Ben Harmon and his money. Violet is home alone and calls her dad, who tells her to keep the door locked, but don't call the cops.

RUBBER MAN IS STANDING BEHIND VIOLET!!!!

Ben and Viv arrive home to the alarm blaring, screaming for their daughter, but she's gone. A knock on the door. Ben answers.

It's Peyton. Looking VERY dead and VERY crazy.

Oh, Wow! This was just Part I of their Halloween episodes! Did you love it like I did?