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Living With Bi-Polar Disorder: Local Woman Shares Her Story

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Michelle has given us a peek inside her world in hopes for a less stigmatizing society.

Michelle grew up in Mount Pleasant as a very popular, active and high achieving student. There wasn't an instrument, team or club that she didn't touch, play, or join. She knew everyone and wanted to know everything.

She was never tired, and she would be the best; not at one thing, but at all of them.

“In my pre-teen years it started with track. Then the piano. Then the violin. The cello. The clarinet. The saxophone. Then tennis. Then basketball. Then softball. I was the editor of my high school newspaper and community journalism. I became involved in theater getting most of the leads of all the plays. I didn’t want to just excel, but I had a grandiose notion that I would become famous,” recalls Michelle, “I was lively, voted the 'most outgoing senior girl' of my high school class. If there was a club, I was either in it, started it, or was the president of it.”

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Throughout college and the beginning of law school, Michelle grabbed the bull by the horns. Nothing could stop her; that is, until something did.

Michelle's grandiose self image turned into self loathing. Her explosive energy turned into a near catatonic state. Her over-acheivment morphed into an inability to function. At the drop of a hat, her life became unrecognizable and seemingly unlivable. She always knew there was something wrong, but it wasn't until she was 27 did she finally receive a proper diagnosis. Michelle had been suffering from Bi-Polar Disorder.

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“I couldn’t get out of bed. I cried all the time. I was lazy. What was wrong with me? This was not the person I knew. I knew there was something wrong, but I blamed it on other things such as my marriage, my family, the friends I hung out with,” she admits. “I became irritable and started to withdraw. I turned to cocaine and alcohol to help keep me at the level that I wanted to be at. That funny, manic, high spirited, wild and hard working person I always knew. It nearly destroyed me. After 14 years and a psychotic suicide attempt I found out I was bipolar.”

With little support or foreseeable fixes, Michelle crawled into bed and insisted there was no way to crawl out. The world as she knew it – the world she created and seemingly controlled - suddenly disappeared and her life became unmanageable.

During her manic phases Michelle was hyper-sexual, leading to infidelity. She would seek out comfort from drugs and alcohol, sneaking and stealing to get them. She would be mean and cruel and violently lashed out. Her marriage ended, and she has few truly close friendships to this day.

Eventually the days of sleep, crying, tantrums and confusion would turn and once again Michelle was filled with confidence and intensity. She would take on tasks and work harder and longer than any other. During these periods she could achieve like nobody's business. She needed little sleep and she was always “on.”

But these moments of highs always ended with a crash, leaving her unemployable, and often, unbearable. Losing job after job, her life imitated her disorder in a predictable circle. Each time she would pull herself back up, wipe off the depression dust and forge ahead. Michelle could get a job, but she could never keep it.

“I was functioning at such a manic level for long periods of time and out of nowhere I would crash. It felt like I was having a cocaine crash, except I wasn’t doing drugs anymore. After having an amazing month of work, I couldn’t get out of bed for days at a time, says Michelle, “I called in sick all the time. At lunch instead of socializing, I would isolate myself by either retreating to the parking garage and sleeping in my car, or I would shut my office door and sleep under my desk. I was crying all the time, yet nothing outright seemed to be wrong to explain how low I was feeling. The next thing I know I had to take two medical leaves of absences within six months.”

Michelle finally realized she was never going to go the traditional employment route with a career path. She applied for disability and is now legally considered disabled because of her Severe Bipolar Disorder.

She has been weaving through the past decade searching for answers, remedies, and happiness. Doctors prescribed many different medications, but there were exhausting side effects with each of them. One medication she has been taking for the past two years has caused her to become hypothyroid (which brings on a whole new slew of symptoms), given her uncontrollable tremors, caused weight gain and has diminished any interest in almost anything that used to motivate her.

Michelle still fights her daily battle daily, and she hopes her experience to can help others who are new to the diagnosis or its symptoms.

“Bite the bullet and go to a reputable psychiatrist. You must be proactive. Keep taking your meds even if you 'feel better' or think you don't need them anymore," she said.

Michelle also suggests that patients with BiPolar Disorder:

  • Go to therapy on a regular basis. 
  • Read as much as you can about the disease. 
  • Know your “trigger” points. 
  • Live as stress-free as possible. 
  • Exercise is a must. 
  • Utilize trusted family and friends when you need someone to lean on. 
  • Educate your family and friends about your symptoms, triggers, medications

Michelle now spends her days at the gym, reading and taking care of her son. She feels her senses are dulled and her creativity has decreased because of her medication.

“I live a totally boring existence,” she shares. But she also knows the consequences of the alternative.

If you know someone with Bi-Polar Disorder and you would like to help; or if you are a person who recognizes some of these symptoms within yourself, please visit the NIMH Website for information and resources.

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